A Rendition of Writer’s Block » The Music Mag

A Rendition of Writer’s Block

For two weeks, I guess I’ve had writer’s block. I’ve sat down to write something a few times and got up ten minutes later because I know it would be shit and I’d just end up mocking someone and being mean. Then I decided that this was the best way to get out of Writer’s Block so here is my Top 5 Worst Artists Alive!

5. Soulja Boy

I mean, look at this pathetic excuse of a rapper. In the 80s, rap was the sound of revolution, the sound of a disillusioned and angry youth, rebelling against the standards of their lives and racism. In the 2000s, it’s become watered down and killed. I mean, it started in the 90s but our generation killed it with shit like this. “Crank dat OOOOOO” bullshit permeated my ears for way too long like the world’s most annoying teenager was hammering my ear drums with a mallet and clacking chewing gum and now I see that he has a second album out? No, let’s just take a step back and reevaluate our tastes for a second. This is not music. This is a catchphrase put over the sound of two drums being banged, possibly by a brain-dead monkey and looped for what seems like an eternity. Songs full of chanting and inanity and retarded lyrics. Actually, they’re not even lyrics, it’s just this generation’s retarded youth slang put on display for anyone with a brain to scoff at and anyone without a brain to buy. Beats that could be made by just stamping your feet in basic time and lyrics so inane, so juvenile and disgusting, that I am wondering if I should even put him on a list of “artists”. This man is just a torture artist under another name and what’s worse is that people lap this shit up. They should be killed, possibly to a Soulja Boy song.

4. Britney Spears

Vacuous, boring, isn’t sexy anymore, has dance moves straight out of a strip club and is fooling nobody with her craziness. I can’t even be bothered to expand.

3. The Black Eyed Peas

OK, Will.I.Am might get a pass for punching out Perez Hilton but then I realise his name is fucking WILL.I.AM. What a pretentious fucking douchebag this guy is. I give Prince a pass for renaming himself into a goddamn symbol because “Raspberry Beret” is such a good song but what has this guy ever done to give himself such a mastubatory name? Released that song that was 90% Dick Dale and 10% bullshit? Rapped badly over “Where Is The Love?” After punching out Perez Hilton, maybe he could call himself “Crash Fistfight” or something appropiate. Fergie is just sort of there but she doesn’t get a pass at all. Oh no, as the figurehead of this crushingly boring group, she deserves all the scorn she gets. Recycling ideas that were cliche back in 1985 does not a good song make. This is forgetting the holocaust of music that was “My Lumps” which was a song so depressingly bad and putrid, that it made me want to get a sex change so I could beat her to death without feeling guilty about it. Their latest album is just as bad; it sounds like it’s been produced in a Pringles can, the lyrics range from ‘awful’ to awful’ and I’ve seen more original ideas come from Hollywood than I have Fergie’s annoying, stupid mouth.

2. Eminem

After the return of the rapper that nobody wanted to see again after The Eminem Show, I had to put him here. Relapse is depressing listening. Pop culture references over turgid and uninspired production has totally killed what (little) edge this man had and his flow has deteriorated like the polar ice caps. I’ve seen bargain basement rap battles that have better lines than this. There is nothing this man does that should be remotely successful and you’d think after beating his wife and generally being awful since 2001, the general public would have soured but no, we’re nothing if not fickle and we can all be turned around with a catchy hook or two. Which, to be fair, Relapse has but it’s almost always destroyed as soon as he opens his childish, stupid little mouth, spouting lines like that stupid kid at school who called everyone gay and spat in every girl’s mouth. His accent jumps from authentic to ZZZ-Movie texan fodder and jumps out at you like a million bad horror movie scares, only twice as disturbing; you get the feeling that Relapse is an album so bad that your outlook on life might change by simply listening to it. Your cup is half-empty, the sky is always cloudy, love is replaced by hate and everyone you like secretly hates you. Eminem is now so bad that I can imagine a 16 year old popping this on his iPod, listening to the lazy flow, boring pop culture references and frankly embarrassing production and instantly turning into a serial killer.

1. N-Dubz

If anyone American is reading this, oh, be thankful, you haven’t heard this lot. First, look at them;

JUST FUCKING LOOK AT THEM. What the fuck is up with that one guy’s hat? It’s like he’s fell head first into his Grandmother’s washing basket, got out with a tea towel on his head, looked in some weird reality altering mirror where he didn’t look like a total fucking twat and decided to keep it on. And what is up with that stupid hand-signal? Is he telling me things are A-OK? Is it a gangland symbol for “Ignore me, I’m a boring fuckwit”. It’s not an N, so is it a ‘Dubz’? I get it, it must be like a Westside hand gesture that was all the rage in the mid 90s except this guy is probably from a council estate in Oxford. Now, I get it.

May as well ignore the black guy since the rest of the band does anyway.

The girl is probably the stupidest person in the band and that’s saying something. She probably has Twilight as her top movie, she probably tAlKs LiKe ThIs oN FaCeBoOk and her opinion on world views could probably be summed up in a flirtatious giggle. I mean, there is nothing AT ALL interesting about her. Her hair is boring, her face is boring, her sense of style is boring, her voice is boring, her piercing is boring and if she has a personality, I’m guessing it’s boring as well. Forgetting for the minute that she’s just dressed like a slutty gang banger from Saint’s Row 2, she brings nothing to the band that could even be described as eye-candy. That’s the intention of course, bring out the tits and eventually the teenage boys will follow but if I was a teenage boy again, I’d sooner strangle my pets than look at her, I’d sooner headbutt a bed of nails than speak with her and I’ve seen teenage chavs on my street corner, smoking crack, drinking cider from their child’s sippy cup that are more appealing because they have something in their head other than puppies, clothes and air.

I don’t even have to mention the music because quite frankly, if you have any kind of motor functions at all, you can guess what it sounds like and how shit it truly is. Like being locked in a room with a nest full of facehuggers. In fact, I’d rather have acid poured down my throat by an alien than listen to this music. The sound of a society slowing dragging itself into a cesspool full of shit.

I mean, he’s a rapper and he wears GLASSES, for fuck’s sake!